February 6, 2013 § 10 Comments

My Mom and I. It is difficult for me. Living with her breaks down all my hopes and dreams. I don’t live in tidy house. I don’t eat healthy. My exercise is laughable. My mental keenness is crushed. I live a life where I have to actively make myself not take care of myself or my surroundings. I actively let go of my finances and education.

Because: I cannot fight with my Mother.

I live with someone who does not want a planned, orderly life. Which is what I thrive in. She needs to have no “musts” in her life. The predictability of washing dishes every single day, kills her soul. Keeping track of money is “impolite.”

Her needs wouldn’t bother me if I were well. But I’m not. I’m sick and I need help.

I tried to keep everything up, the dishes were finished every evening, things were tidy and clean. But I was worn out. I had to deal with my Mom telling me over and over, that I am a drag because I say I am too tired when she wants to do fun things.

So after several miserable months, I decided to let go. I’ve stopped all housework, dishes, and most of the cooking for about two months now. I didn’t tell my Mom why. I just stopped. If I told her why, she would think that I am playing a game to punish her. But I’m not. I am too tired to do all the work, and I cannot keep up the emotional struggle of it all.

So my Mom’s answer is to buy paper plates and cups. After use, they become kindling for our wood fire. Silverware and such, she washes once a week. I would like to think she is happier now than before. Perhaps, it was really irritating to her for someone to do the dishes so often.

I have stopped feeding her, and wait until she feeds us both. Three meals a day? Tedious. Either snack all day or have one big meal at 10:30 pm. Go to sleep 3-8 am.

Paperwork and business? It will take care of itself. Deadlines? Boring. Paperwork begets more paperwork, so what is the point? Those office-types just need to look busy and they like that stuff, so let them figure out all the paperwork. The other stuff? That she needs to make a decision on? She’ll do it….later. I cannot continue to butt heads with someone who believes all that. I have kept track of her paperwork and have reminded her about deadlines and forms, but when I do so, she makes my life hell. So I have stopped. No more keeping track of uncashed cheques. I think that she likes the idea of coming across a $xxx cheque as a happy surprise. If I make sure they are all cashed, then how can she have the happy moment of finding one?

Our lives are linked. Our finances, continuing education, exercise, not becoming diabetic…we are linked. And my partner in this, feels that staying on top of it is unnecessary.

Today we butted heads on cottage business ideas. I think of an idea in practical terms. She wants to do something because it is fun. Today, though, is the last time I will butt heads on her ideas. It takes the life out of me to discuss practicalities with her. I don’t want to always be the bad person. The person stopping her from her dream.

We have different outlooks. Different needs. One isn’t better than the other. My practicality is not better than being a visionary. Her gifts are special.

I have spent my life inadvertently defined by other people’s needs. I am hoping I will find myself by letting go. I don’t think I will, but I am too tired to do anything else.


§ 10 Responses to xyz

  • jayne says:

    You might be surprised at what turns out after letting go of all that control… I was

    • Oh, I’m glad it has turned out well for you. I hope it does for me too.

      It’s just…. My Mom is irresponsible. I’ve already gained weight. My health is suffering. I am losing opportunities as each day goes past. When you let control go, what is the endgame? What happens if I let this continue? When do I know to stop it? How much control do I let go? What happens if I let it go beyond recovery?

      I will continue with this because it is the only thing I have thought of that I haven’t tried. Therefore, it is tactically the logical decision. But she doesn’t have my interests at heart, and I am placing my future in her hands.

      Perhaps this post is to say that I am scared. Perhaps it is to tell you what a pain I am in real life.

      Thank you for saying hello and for your encouragement. I appreciate it very much.


      • jayne says:

        Well, first of all – on every point -It’s Fucking Difficult” to start letting go. I think you get that. I tried to “take care of everything” – “not let anything fall” because I believed it was the right thing and I wanted to save us from the consequences…sound familiar? I couldn’t do it all. I started TAKING time for myself to exercise and think. It is a positive, healthy, strengthening thing for my own body. It helps mentally to keep that going. I sometimes fight myself and want to turn back home until I am 10 minutes into it! You should do that. The other half is knowing that your mother had her life and her decisions and she made them. YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT TOO. Switching into a caretaking role is not easy, especially when it is your mother/or father. I think if you are logical, take care of the logical things but it also seems like you do need to recognize that living her way is just not your way but its not “wrong”. Personally, I’m more like her as far as schedules go. I don’t like them pressed upon me unless its work. Take one tiny step at a time. There are businesses that have qualified people help caretakers. You bring them in under the guise as help for yourself allowing your mom to build trust, friendship…and then you can feel comfortable leaving and having your own time for – friends, work… Its a great idea told to me. Money is an issue though to hire someone but its a goal. xo, Jayne

      • Inputting advice into brain…will report back later with the results….

        Thank you… <3

      • jayne says:

        day by day – advice isn’t good. You know the sayings. You just have to try what works for you.

      • It is my internal argument with the advice that is helpful. I am used to my life never changing, but there has been huge changes – so why do I have the same arguments and excuses to give? When I hear myself respond with an outdated excuse…the disparity helps me to adjust to my new better reality.

        Yes, I am referencing a conversation you and I never actually had. It was a private conversation between me and me. Though I think you did tell me I was an ass. I couldn’t disagree.



      • jayne says:

        At least you still have a sense of humor. I have the same arguments over another life issue and I alwats argue with myself- (it couldn’t be because we are control freaks or stubborn bull headed people, could it??!! NOOOO) I also have a sister care taking for our mother so I know a lot of what you spoke about and…you are not an ass. Caring for a parent is a noble responsibility and you are loving her even when you think your own mother is a pain in the a$% (forgive me but my sister has these same feelings and can express them to me because I understand where she’s coming from) She turns it back on herself and says that she’s the asshole for not realizing mom is 85 and losing her mind. Frustration, anger, self chastisment is the way of this role. My sister got off the regimented meals wheel a while ago. She has healthy foods and watches protein, vegetable intake but she no longer thinks she’s an every day – 3 meal a day cook. My mom is still healthy and has no complaints. Your mom is lucky to have you so take time for yourself when you can – it isn’t easy but what is??

      • Your words brought me balance.

        Really, my Mom has come very far. I should honor that more.

        Thank you for understanding my inadvertent rant. My Mom did not deserve to bear the brunt of my frustration and if I hadn’t expressed myself somewhere, it might have spilled over to her ears.

        Your wisdom was needful and very helpful, and I will think on it a while.

        Thanks and big hugs ~

  • You told my story, only in reverse. I am the mom and my daughter is living with me temporarily. My daughter has the exact same tendencies as your mom. It is difficult at times. It has made me realize that true love is having someone who can irritate the *&^%& out of you be with you and still loving and enjoying them. Great post. Keep on going.

  • pivoine68 says:

    “I have spent my life inadvertently defined by other people’s needs.” I know about this…you are young, I am not. You realize this already. I did to at your age. Self-awareness is beautiful and horrible at the same time because understanding this does not mean you will be able to stop being defined this way. But you must! Please don’t waste another minute.

    You are beautiful! that is how I will define you.

    Dawn…Jerk-blogger who has not been reading much lately.

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