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February 6, 2013 § 10 Comments

My Mom and I. It is difficult for me. Living with her breaks down all my hopes and dreams. I don’t live in tidy house. I don’t eat healthy. My exercise is laughable. My mental keenness is crushed. I live a life where I have to actively make myself not take care of myself or my surroundings. I actively let go of my finances and education.

Because: I cannot fight with my Mother.

I live with someone who does not want a planned, orderly life. Which is what I thrive in. She needs to have no “musts” in her life. The predictability of washing dishes every single day, kills her soul. Keeping track of money is “impolite.”

Her needs wouldn’t bother me if I were well. But I’m not. I’m sick and I need help.

I tried to keep everything up, the dishes were finished every evening, things were tidy and clean. But I was worn out. I had to deal with my Mom telling me over and over, that I am a drag because I say I am too tired when she wants to do fun things.

So after several miserable months, I decided to let go. I’ve stopped all housework, dishes, and most of the cooking for about two months now. I didn’t tell my Mom why. I just stopped. If I told her why, she would think that I am playing a game to punish her. But I’m not. I am too tired to do all the work, and I cannot keep up the emotional struggle of it all.

So my Mom’s answer is to buy paper plates and cups. After use, they become kindling for our wood fire. Silverware and such, she washes once a week. I would like to think she is happier now than before. Perhaps, it was really irritating to her for someone to do the dishes so often.

I have stopped feeding her, and wait until she feeds us both. Three meals a day? Tedious. Either snack all day or have one big meal at 10:30 pm. Go to sleep 3-8 am.

Paperwork and business? It will take care of itself. Deadlines? Boring. Paperwork begets more paperwork, so what is the point? Those office-types just need to look busy and they like that stuff, so let them figure out all the paperwork. The other stuff? That she needs to make a decision on? She’ll do it….later. I cannot continue to butt heads with someone who believes all that. I have kept track of her paperwork and have reminded her about deadlines and forms, but when I do so, she makes my life hell. So I have stopped. No more keeping track of uncashed cheques. I think that she likes the idea of coming across a $xxx cheque as a happy surprise. If I make sure they are all cashed, then how can she have the happy moment of finding one?

Our lives are linked. Our finances, continuing education, exercise, not becoming diabetic…we are linked. And my partner in this, feels that staying on top of it is unnecessary.

Today we butted heads on cottage business ideas. I think of an idea in practical terms. She wants to do something because it is fun. Today, though, is the last time I will butt heads on her ideas. It takes the life out of me to discuss practicalities with her. I don’t want to always be the bad person. The person stopping her from her dream.

We have different outlooks. Different needs. One isn’t better than the other. My practicality is not better than being a visionary. Her gifts are special.

I have spent my life inadvertently defined by other people’s needs. I am hoping I will find myself by letting go. I don’t think I will, but I am too tired to do anything else.

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