Sighs of Rain
October 15, 2012 § 2 Comments
The caffeine wore off. I don’t remember ever having a caffeine high before. Well, now I know that it makes me chatty. This statement is for those who wondered what substance I was on, on Thursday into Friday.
I’ve stayed outside all day today. Breathing in fresh air, mist and health into my hurt heart. It has been raining solidly for two days. Rain is a soundtrack of joy and exuberance to me. To one side, I have a huge, huge roof and the water rolls off of it in sheets, sighs and scurries. To the other side is a large tarp covering a pile of wood for the winter. The rain hits it in hundreds of pricks to gentle rolling roars. It gives me the sensation that it is a huge waterfall and that is a very powerful feeling.
When I carried kitty out to the porch, a stunning visual of car headlights beamed through the trees and fog. The car was following a curve in the road, and the unique motion it gave to the shadows and shafts of light as it was filtered through wafts of mist was breathtaking.
I don’t really know what friendship is. Back when I was in religion and in a huge community, I was taken advantage of. I gave energy, money and pure trust. I am doing the same with my mom, but the trust…I’m not in a good place with my heart. Reader, I am over thirty and have never lived. When will it be my turn? Yes, the simple answer is that I toss my mom to the side and live my life. But, how does friendship fit in there? I want to be a good friend. I don’t want to give up because it is hard. I don’t want to essentially reject someone who is deeply depressed. To me, that veers into the territory of becoming a monster.
I want to live my life, but I don’t want to hate myself from the process. I don’t want to be a person who will do anything to get ahead and doesn’t care who they stamp on. But I only get this life, no other. I won’t be rewarded by “Christian” good behavior. The Christian behavior where the daughter is to give everything to the family and then she will be loved. That love “cheque” got lost in the mail, I think.
Personal integrity was the largest motivation I had. It was the yardstick to decide what actions were the wisest. I would have said that my personal integrity was impeccable, fearless, tireless. But…it was Christian based. And as a shiny new Atheist, what are my ethics now? What are the Atheist responsibilities of one person to another, of a daughter to a mother? I don’t know.