October 31, 2012 § 10 Comments
October 24, 2012 § 13 Comments
Two years ago on this date, I had exploratory surgery for cancer. Four hours in surgery and three in recovery. They told me that among other things, my cervix was ruined and my uterus would never hold a child.
When you wake up from surgery you never know what they will tell you. You can’t ever know how your heart will break and never heal. I know that there are people waking up in a hospital right now that are being told that their family is all dead, or their legs were removed. And you just have to deal with it.
I have to pretend it never happened because there is a constant scream in my head. I can hear it and it has the power to drown me. A siren call for my ears alone. I grieve.
October 15, 2012 § 2 Comments
The caffeine wore off. I don’t remember ever having a caffeine high before. Well, now I know that it makes me chatty. This statement is for those who wondered what substance I was on, on Thursday into Friday.
I’ve stayed outside all day today. Breathing in fresh air, mist and health into my hurt heart. It has been raining solidly for two days. Rain is a soundtrack of joy and exuberance to me. To one side, I have a huge, huge roof and the water rolls off of it in sheets, sighs and scurries. To the other side is a large tarp covering a pile of wood for the winter. The rain hits it in hundreds of pricks to gentle rolling roars. It gives me the sensation that it is a huge waterfall and that is a very powerful feeling.
When I carried kitty out to the porch, a stunning visual of car headlights beamed through the trees and fog. The car was following a curve in the road, and the unique motion it gave to the shadows and shafts of light as it was filtered through wafts of mist was breathtaking.
I don’t really know what friendship is. Back when I was in religion and in a huge community, I was taken advantage of. I gave energy, money and pure trust. I am doing the same with my mom, but the trust…I’m not in a good place with my heart. Reader, I am over thirty and have never lived. When will it be my turn? Yes, the simple answer is that I toss my mom to the side and live my life. But, how does friendship fit in there? I want to be a good friend. I don’t want to give up because it is hard. I don’t want to essentially reject someone who is deeply depressed. To me, that veers into the territory of becoming a monster.
I want to live my life, but I don’t want to hate myself from the process. I don’t want to be a person who will do anything to get ahead and doesn’t care who they stamp on. But I only get this life, no other. I won’t be rewarded by “Christian” good behavior. The Christian behavior where the daughter is to give everything to the family and then she will be loved. That love “cheque” got lost in the mail, I think.
Personal integrity was the largest motivation I had. It was the yardstick to decide what actions were the wisest. I would have said that my personal integrity was impeccable, fearless, tireless. But…it was Christian based. And as a shiny new Atheist, what are my ethics now? What are the Atheist responsibilities of one person to another, of a daughter to a mother? I don’t know.
October 11, 2012 § 12 Comments
It is foggy here today. I love it. It is
….foggy, yet to be possibilities,
….a blurred out past.
The fog here, is so bright! It is like how a field of snow reflects the light. Here, the light is reflected by the fog. It is raining, but so finely that the drops never seem to fall, just nestle next to you.
I am on my porch – yes in a rocker – with my bamboo, roses, and scented flowering nicotiana. I am hand feeding my cat on my lap, because he is in a kitten mood right now. Salsa music is on, wind chimes are sounding softly and birds and frogs are chattering close up and in the distance like mad.
Oh, and I have a cup of coffee made from actual beans and not instant decaf. Panic attacks and caffeine clash terribly with each other. I have had coffee this year, cautiously, a few times. I am so confident that I am doing okay, that I invested in a bag of beans. Yep, I threw caution to the wind and bought coffee.
Oh, another thing. Mom and I were ( a hummingbird just came by two and a half feet from my head and scolded the heck out of me. I have been put in my place.) – invited to an early Thanksgiving dinner. We went! I am so bold! This was my very first Thanksgiving and my first time clinking glasses in a toast. I have no past with this group, so I wasn’t given child care duties or put in the kitchen. I was treated like an adult in company, for the first time. It wasn’t my goal, I didn’t even realize it was a problem.
Oh, I want to share this, because I am so proud of her: yesterday my mom killed a slug that was bigger than any internet penis I have ever seen. Seriously. Width, length, slime factor,
tentacles, antlers, antennas, um, wobbly bits….
Okay, I’m talked out. It is a beautiful morning, and I am privileged to see it. This was a nice visit with you, Reader.