Private – Lately

September 28, 2012 § 8 Comments

 

I have been mostly absent from the Internet for a month or so. I learnt things about myself from myself and from others, and it sent me into a bit of a tail spin.

I was given the opportunity to leave my living arrangements with my Mom. I turned the opportunity down, and it changed how I view myself. I was, and still am deeply disappointed in myself. It is an opportunity that I wanted, yet I couldn’t follow through. Cue me pouring hate on myself. Why would not I move on? Is it love? Martyrdom? Plain fear? Or am I so formed by being the modest, compassionate daughter, I have no bones of my own to hold myself up? So that has been the last while.

However – ! Mom, has been doing well, and I am newly encouraged. She has been saying things such as, that she sees I am struggling severely. That I am taking care of her, and that she sees it. That she feels focussed to change. Her behavior is less depressed. I am cautiously optimistic.

Oooo, and get this! I had my first driving lesson in a parking lot. I wasn’t allowed to with my father. But because my Mom has been so depressed, I hadn’t had an opportunity yet to learn.

I need this change in her so badly. She has been like a suffering animal, I couldn’t leave her behind. But I live Groundhog Day, via a depressed person’s needs. Years worth of it and this life kills me.

Okay, so she is doing better right now. Specifically the last ten days. Why? …I put the parental lock on the computer. She gets three hours a day, and then she has to ask me for more. It isn’t a power trip on my part, it is that she escapes with the computer. She is responding well, which is something I did not expect. I am always trying to figure out how to change things. The bottom line is, of course, I need to leave. That is the only real change possible. Yet, I cannot make myself believe that life will be better living on my own. So, readers, if you were not aware, all of this is the definition of a dysfunctional relationship. How novel.

I have made change. The last time I was in hospital, my fellow patients asked for a Social Worker to visit me, and we all had an intervention with me in our hospital room. I called a Woman’s Shelter to ask for a room for when I could leave the hospital. The problem then, was my father, that wanted me dead. My Mom promised she would go with me, only, she needed some time. So, I called the shelter and let them know I wouldn’t be coming. Seven months later, I was thrilled to call them again and my Mom and I left the house.

It is harder to leave than it seems to be, on the outside. When Mom left, she was also leaving her marriage and her employment. We also left the religion that we had both been born into. Leaving a abusive husband will get you shunned by the entire religious community. Everyone complies with the shunning out of fear of being shunned in turn. No one will agree to any contact with you. Not siblings, not any family. No one. No friend will greet you again. Shunning is an immediate death in the community’s eyes. You are a infectious ghost.

The women in the hospital have always been wonderful. They were in pain, or throwing up, etc., yet, they had such an overflow of kindness to give. Talking with them, helped me see how strange, wrong and cruel my life had been. It was when I told them that when I went home, I wouldn’t be allowed outside. That my father told me that it would dishonor the family for me to me seen outside. For, if I could be outside, it should only be in service of the Lord. Because of his edict, I would go out at night, under darkness to stretch my legs and breath fresh air. I did that once a month or less for years.

The new place I am in, I am outside everyday. It is stunning to me to be able to be outside. To *live* outside. I was looking at clouds above me today, and I swear I had a brain orgasm.

I hate that I can’t get my pound of flesh from my father or from shoddy religion I was in. But what I know is that I am relatively unscathed. I am physically mostly whole, and I am so thankful for that.

I talked to my Doctor a month ago. He said that he just gave a presentation on me at a General Practitioner’s conference in our largest city. It was on ethics and religion. He was in true shock when I told him that I am an Atheist now. He talked to me about that earliest case of mine, the first scare ten plus years ago. He hadn’t ever spoken of it to me before. He told me that when I was moved from the ICU, it was to make me more comfortable before my death. That friends and family would have more access to me. I could have a vigil around the clock.

But, Reader, get this! I didn’t know. I thought the move meant that the Doctors were certain I was getting better and I was fully out of danger. So, I didn’t know any better, and I bounced back.

One of the things I remember now, was that there was no weeping or true concern by my father, siblings and the rest of the religionists. They felt it was all God’s will, and what will be will be. No big deal. I would die if God willed and who was anyone to disagree with God? It makes me so angry now. I was so innocent, and no one cared. I, was in a spiritual high and couldn’t touch the ground. I truly didn’t see the difference between life and death. God was with me in life. He’d be with me in death. A full out nothingness of real death was a concept I, and everyone else in the cult, didn’t know. That actually did help though. Because I was in a spiritual high, because I had no understanding of death, I wasn’t overly concerned. I was upset, but not afraid.

I have left religion, and I am left with reality which is so difficult to take sometimes. But to deal with reality and not dreams is an outstanding feeling.

My cat cuddled with me today, wrapped in my trusty pashmina while I was cuddled in my hammock. There are dragonflies that are audacious teasers, and inch and a half long frogs that stalk me, and make me move, so that they can sit where I was. I saw quail, deer and horses today. I saw a white cat swishing it’s tail beside a huge moon. I saved a dragonfly caught in a spider’s web. I’ve saved me, too.

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I took this picture this week.

 

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Silly

September 7, 2012 § 5 Comments

I just realized that during the times I was in hospital facing death, my sister invited her friends to come and visit her. They stayed in my bed. My sister invited her company over because my bed was free. And the first time I was in the ICU, a few days later, she went on vacation to Mexico.

I was slightly aware of all this when I was in the hospital, but I loved her so much I didn’t *see* it. I just loved her, I didn’t see the cruelty or the disdain.

When I loved, I felt no hurt,
no injury by your hand.

When I loved, you did no wrong,
all your words were truth.

When I loved, I loved you,
I didn’t choose the parts.

When I loved, you were all that I saw,
and all that I knew.

When I love now,
it won’t be you.

You will never see my heart again.

September 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

Love this. I hadn’t heard of him before, so thank you very much. I read all the articles on his website. The thoughts and point of view there, bring me so much clarity. An adjustment to my world view.

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