July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment
I didn’t expect to be absent for so long, and I will disappear again. I suppose it is my way. My apologies to you.
We have been getting by on the spousal support fantastically. We are super careful, but so much grinding worry is gone. I actually forgot about tax season entirely. Which is a huge change as it was a continuing stressor, and now it is not at all.
The garden has been developed more. We broke open an older overgrown garden bed and filled it with around twenty roses, interspersed with other plants.
Our white cat needed to be euthanized for cancer in March.
Then ten days ago, we euthanized our Persian cat, who was the light of my life, the joy and softness of my day for nearly a full decade. He was my Kitten General, all five pounds of him, a calm dominate cat. Much like Cesar Milan’s Rottweiler named Daddy. He gave overflowing sweetness to me that I needed and can never repay.
We held as him as he died, brought him home, held him, cuddled him, washed (and blow dried!) him, and buried him in a high dry spot in our garden. We wrapped him in turquoise silk and pink linen. We filled the hole with lavender I tore by the handfuls from lower in the garden. He loved that lavender.
He has not left me, I see his grave everyday, and as I type this. He was the best cat. He slept on my chest or with his head on my arm, beside me in my bed for so long. I honour the gift he gave to me of his presence.
Thanks for listening.
February 6, 2013 § 10 Comments
My Mom and I. It is difficult for me. Living with her breaks down all my hopes and dreams. I don’t live in tidy house. I don’t eat healthy. My exercise is laughable. My mental keenness is crushed. I live a life where I have to actively make myself not take care of myself or my surroundings. I actively let go of my finances and education.
Because: I cannot fight with my Mother.
I live with someone who does not want a planned, orderly life. Which is what I thrive in. She needs to have no “musts” in her life. The predictability of washing dishes every single day, kills her soul. Keeping track of money is “impolite.”
Her needs wouldn’t bother me if I were well. But I’m not. I’m sick and I need help.
I tried to keep everything up, the dishes were finished every evening, things were tidy and clean. But I was worn out. I had to deal with my Mom telling me over and over, that I am a drag because I say I am too tired when she wants to do fun things.
So after several miserable months, I decided to let go. I’ve stopped all housework, dishes, and most of the cooking for about two months now. I didn’t tell my Mom why. I just stopped. If I told her why, she would think that I am playing a game to punish her. But I’m not. I am too tired to do all the work, and I cannot keep up the emotional struggle of it all.
So my Mom’s answer is to buy paper plates and cups. After use, they become kindling for our wood fire. Silverware and such, she washes once a week. I would like to think she is happier now than before. Perhaps, it was really irritating to her for someone to do the dishes so often.
I have stopped feeding her, and wait until she feeds us both. Three meals a day? Tedious. Either snack all day or have one big meal at 10:30 pm. Go to sleep 3-8 am.
Paperwork and business? It will take care of itself. Deadlines? Boring. Paperwork begets more paperwork, so what is the point? Those office-types just need to look busy and they like that stuff, so let them figure out all the paperwork. The other stuff? That she needs to make a decision on? She’ll do it….later. I cannot continue to butt heads with someone who believes all that. I have kept track of her paperwork and have reminded her about deadlines and forms, but when I do so, she makes my life hell. So I have stopped. No more keeping track of uncashed cheques. I think that she likes the idea of coming across a $xxx cheque as a happy surprise. If I make sure they are all cashed, then how can she have the happy moment of finding one?
Our lives are linked. Our finances, continuing education, exercise, not becoming diabetic…we are linked. And my partner in this, feels that staying on top of it is unnecessary.
Today we butted heads on cottage business ideas. I think of an idea in practical terms. She wants to do something because it is fun. Today, though, is the last time I will butt heads on her ideas. It takes the life out of me to discuss practicalities with her. I don’t want to always be the bad person. The person stopping her from her dream.
We have different outlooks. Different needs. One isn’t better than the other. My practicality is not better than being a visionary. Her gifts are special.
I have spent my life inadvertently defined by other people’s needs. I am hoping I will find myself by letting go. I don’t think I will, but I am too tired to do anything else.
January 23, 2013 § Leave a comment
It is after midnight and I am listening to a wonderful owl hoot me a lullaby. He is so loud and distinct.
The wildlife here is stunning. Raccoons sit and watch me through the bathroom window as I brush my teeth. Deer amble by the kitchen window as I wash dishes. They sleep on the property, and you can see their ears twitch as they wake up in the morning. The hawks are loud, and the frogs still try to sing through the cold.
At night the riding ring is lit, and the horses look beautiful as mist slides through the light.
I don’t think my words are relevant to anybody or to anything. But when I stop myself from posting this type of thing, it stops my voice entirely and not selectively. I am trying to listen to my needs and not try to squeeze my individuality, personality, uniqueness from who I am and what I post. So I give you this post.
I will share two oddities that make me happy. Right now, Mom and I taking night walks. I wear my nightgown and bedroom slippers, and just feel the freedom of being outside. It is so beautiful here, and the air is so fresh, fragrant with the sea and the cedar forest that it is a gift to breathe it. I have my window open as I sleep even through the frosts, because I love it so much. I pile the blankets so thick, that they are delightfully heavy and warm to sleep under.
The second oddity, is how I am making coffee right now. I have stopped doing the dishes, as a semi power tug with my Mother, but mostly because I was worn out. Mom didn’t really notice, but when she did, her solution was to buy paper plates and cups, which after use, become welcome kindling for the fire. It is actually working out well. Okay, back to coffee. I hand grind the beans, put them in a paper cup and pour boiling water over them. I strain it from one paper cup to another through a kitchen strainer, top up with hot water and voilá, coffee. I rinse the strainer, and there is nothing to wash or clean. So nice.
The owl is still going strong. It has been an hour or so. I should probably stop enjoying his concert and go to sleep.
December 9, 2012 § 6 Comments
I am popping back up. I let my mood get knocked down, and it preferred lying flat on the ground. I swear, it argued with me. Then, when I am depressed, I don’t take my pain pills. Which makes things worse of course.
I have a pile of fragmented posts that haunt me. I will end this one here, so I post it. Hopefully that will help my dry spell.
Take care, all ~
October 31, 2012 § 10 Comments
October 24, 2012 § 13 Comments
Two years ago on this date, I had exploratory surgery for cancer. Four hours in surgery and three in recovery. They told me that among other things, my cervix was ruined and my uterus would never hold a child.
When you wake up from surgery you never know what they will tell you. You can’t ever know how your heart will break and never heal. I know that there are people waking up in a hospital right now that are being told that their family is all dead, or their legs were removed. And you just have to deal with it.
I have to pretend it never happened because there is a constant scream in my head. I can hear it and it has the power to drown me. A siren call for my ears alone. I grieve.
October 15, 2012 § 2 Comments
The caffeine wore off. I don’t remember ever having a caffeine high before. Well, now I know that it makes me chatty. This statement is for those who wondered what substance I was on, on Thursday into Friday.
I’ve stayed outside all day today. Breathing in fresh air, mist and health into my hurt heart. It has been raining solidly for two days. Rain is a soundtrack of joy and exuberance to me. To one side, I have a huge, huge roof and the water rolls off of it in sheets, sighs and scurries. To the other side is a large tarp covering a pile of wood for the winter. The rain hits it in hundreds of pricks to gentle rolling roars. It gives me the sensation that it is a huge waterfall and that is a very powerful feeling.
When I carried kitty out to the porch, a stunning visual of car headlights beamed through the trees and fog. The car was following a curve in the road, and the unique motion it gave to the shadows and shafts of light as it was filtered through wafts of mist was breathtaking.
I don’t really know what friendship is. Back when I was in religion and in a huge community, I was taken advantage of. I gave energy, money and pure trust. I am doing the same with my mom, but the trust…I’m not in a good place with my heart. Reader, I am over thirty and have never lived. When will it be my turn? Yes, the simple answer is that I toss my mom to the side and live my life. But, how does friendship fit in there? I want to be a good friend. I don’t want to give up because it is hard. I don’t want to essentially reject someone who is deeply depressed. To me, that veers into the territory of becoming a monster.
I want to live my life, but I don’t want to hate myself from the process. I don’t want to be a person who will do anything to get ahead and doesn’t care who they stamp on. But I only get this life, no other. I won’t be rewarded by “Christian” good behavior. The Christian behavior where the daughter is to give everything to the family and then she will be loved. That love “cheque” got lost in the mail, I think.
Personal integrity was the largest motivation I had. It was the yardstick to decide what actions were the wisest. I would have said that my personal integrity was impeccable, fearless, tireless. But…it was Christian based. And as a shiny new Atheist, what are my ethics now? What are the Atheist responsibilities of one person to another, of a daughter to a mother? I don’t know.
October 11, 2012 § 12 Comments
It is foggy here today. I love it. It is
….foggy, yet to be possibilities,
….a blurred out past.
The fog here, is so bright! It is like how a field of snow reflects the light. Here, the light is reflected by the fog. It is raining, but so finely that the drops never seem to fall, just nestle next to you.
I am on my porch – yes in a rocker – with my bamboo, roses, and scented flowering nicotiana. I am hand feeding my cat on my lap, because he is in a kitten mood right now. Salsa music is on, wind chimes are sounding softly and birds and frogs are chattering close up and in the distance like mad.
Oh, and I have a cup of coffee made from actual beans and not instant decaf. Panic attacks and caffeine clash terribly with each other. I have had coffee this year, cautiously, a few times. I am so confident that I am doing okay, that I invested in a bag of beans. Yep, I threw caution to the wind and bought coffee.
Oh, another thing. Mom and I were ( a hummingbird just came by two and a half feet from my head and scolded the heck out of me. I have been put in my place.) – invited to an early Thanksgiving dinner. We went! I am so bold! This was my very first Thanksgiving and my first time clinking glasses in a toast. I have no past with this group, so I wasn’t given child care duties or put in the kitchen. I was treated like an adult in company, for the first time. It wasn’t my goal, I didn’t even realize it was a problem.
Oh, I want to share this, because I am so proud of her: yesterday my mom killed a slug that was bigger than any internet penis I have ever seen. Seriously. Width, length, slime factor,
tentacles, antlers, antennas, um, wobbly bits….
Okay, I’m talked out. It is a beautiful morning, and I am privileged to see it. This was a nice visit with you, Reader.
September 7, 2012 § 5 Comments
I just realized that during the times I was in hospital facing death, my sister invited her friends to come and visit her. They stayed in my bed. My sister invited her company over because my bed was free. And the first time I was in the ICU, a few days later, she went on vacation to Mexico.
I was slightly aware of all this when I was in the hospital, but I loved her so much I didn’t *see* it. I just loved her, I didn’t see the cruelty or the disdain.
When I loved, I felt no hurt,
no injury by your hand.
When I loved, you did no wrong,
all your words were truth.
When I loved, I loved you,
I didn’t choose the parts.
When I loved, you were all that I saw,
and all that I knew.
When I love now,
it won’t be you.
You will never see my heart again.