Here and gone

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

I didn’t expect to be absent for so long, and I will disappear again. I suppose it is my way. My apologies to you. 

We have been getting by on the spousal support fantastically. We are super careful, but so much grinding worry is gone. I actually forgot about tax season entirely. Which is a huge change as it was a continuing stressor, and now it is not at all. 

The garden has been developed more. We broke open an older  overgrown garden bed and filled it with around twenty roses, interspersed with other plants. 

Our white cat needed to be euthanized for cancer in March.

Then ten days ago, we euthanized our Persian cat, who was the light of my life, the joy and softness of my day for nearly a full decade. He was my Kitten General, all five pounds of him, a calm dominate cat. Much like Cesar Milan’s Rottweiler named Daddy. He gave overflowing sweetness to me that I needed and can never repay.

We held as him as he died, brought him home, held him, cuddled him, washed (and blow dried!) him, and buried him in a high dry spot in our garden. We wrapped him in turquoise silk and pink linen. We filled the hole with lavender I tore by the handfuls from lower in the garden. He loved that lavender.

He has not left me, I see his grave everyday, and as I type this. He was the best cat. He slept on my chest or with his head on my arm, beside me in my bed for so long. I honour the gift he gave to me of his presence. 

Thanks for listening. 

xyz

February 6, 2013 § 10 Comments

My Mom and I. It is difficult for me. Living with her breaks down all my hopes and dreams. I don’t live in tidy house. I don’t eat healthy. My exercise is laughable. My mental keenness is crushed. I live a life where I have to actively make myself not take care of myself or my surroundings. I actively let go of my finances and education.

Because: I cannot fight with my Mother.

I live with someone who does not want a planned, orderly life. Which is what I thrive in. She needs to have no “musts” in her life. The predictability of washing dishes every single day, kills her soul. Keeping track of money is “impolite.”

Her needs wouldn’t bother me if I were well. But I’m not. I’m sick and I need help.

I tried to keep everything up, the dishes were finished every evening, things were tidy and clean. But I was worn out. I had to deal with my Mom telling me over and over, that I am a drag because I say I am too tired when she wants to do fun things.

So after several miserable months, I decided to let go. I’ve stopped all housework, dishes, and most of the cooking for about two months now. I didn’t tell my Mom why. I just stopped. If I told her why, she would think that I am playing a game to punish her. But I’m not. I am too tired to do all the work, and I cannot keep up the emotional struggle of it all.

So my Mom’s answer is to buy paper plates and cups. After use, they become kindling for our wood fire. Silverware and such, she washes once a week. I would like to think she is happier now than before. Perhaps, it was really irritating to her for someone to do the dishes so often.

I have stopped feeding her, and wait until she feeds us both. Three meals a day? Tedious. Either snack all day or have one big meal at 10:30 pm. Go to sleep 3-8 am.

Paperwork and business? It will take care of itself. Deadlines? Boring. Paperwork begets more paperwork, so what is the point? Those office-types just need to look busy and they like that stuff, so let them figure out all the paperwork. The other stuff? That she needs to make a decision on? She’ll do it….later. I cannot continue to butt heads with someone who believes all that. I have kept track of her paperwork and have reminded her about deadlines and forms, but when I do so, she makes my life hell. So I have stopped. No more keeping track of uncashed cheques. I think that she likes the idea of coming across a $xxx cheque as a happy surprise. If I make sure they are all cashed, then how can she have the happy moment of finding one?

Our lives are linked. Our finances, continuing education, exercise, not becoming diabetic…we are linked. And my partner in this, feels that staying on top of it is unnecessary.

Today we butted heads on cottage business ideas. I think of an idea in practical terms. She wants to do something because it is fun. Today, though, is the last time I will butt heads on her ideas. It takes the life out of me to discuss practicalities with her. I don’t want to always be the bad person. The person stopping her from her dream.

We have different outlooks. Different needs. One isn’t better than the other. My practicality is not better than being a visionary. Her gifts are special.

I have spent my life inadvertently defined by other people’s needs. I am hoping I will find myself by letting go. I don’t think I will, but I am too tired to do anything else.

Night thoughts…

January 23, 2013 § Leave a comment

It is after midnight and I am listening to a wonderful owl hoot me a lullaby. He is so loud and distinct.

The wildlife here is stunning. Raccoons sit and watch me through the bathroom window as I brush my teeth. Deer amble by the kitchen window as I wash dishes. They sleep on the property, and you can see their ears twitch as they wake up in the morning. The hawks are loud, and the frogs still try to sing through the cold.

At night the riding ring is lit, and the horses look beautiful as mist slides through the light.

I don’t think my words are relevant to anybody or to anything. But when I stop myself from posting this type of thing, it stops my voice entirely and not selectively. I am trying to listen to my needs and not try to squeeze my individuality, personality, uniqueness from who I am and what I post. So I give you this post.

I will share two oddities that make me happy. Right now, Mom and I taking night walks. I wear my nightgown and bedroom slippers, and just feel the freedom of being outside. It is so beautiful here, and the air is so fresh, fragrant with the sea and the cedar forest that it is a gift to breathe it. I have my window open as I sleep even through the frosts, because I love it so much. I pile the blankets so thick, that they are delightfully heavy and warm to sleep under.

The second oddity, is how I am making coffee right now. I have stopped doing the dishes, as a semi power tug with my Mother, but mostly because I was worn out. Mom didn’t really notice, but when she did, her solution was to buy paper plates and cups, which after use, become welcome kindling for the fire. It is actually working out well. Okay, back to coffee. I hand grind the beans, put them in a paper cup and pour boiling water over them. I strain it from one paper cup to another through a kitchen strainer, top up with hot water and voilá, coffee. I rinse the strainer, and there is nothing to wash or clean. So nice.

The owl is still going strong. It has been an hour or so. I should probably stop enjoying his concert and go to sleep.

Night-night….

Blah, blah…depression…blah, blah….

December 9, 2012 § 6 Comments

I am popping back up. I let my mood get knocked down, and it preferred lying flat on the ground. I swear, it argued with me. Then, when I am depressed, I don’t take my pain pills. Which makes things worse of course.

I have a pile of fragmented posts that haunt me. I will end this one here, so I post it. Hopefully that will help my dry spell.

Take care, all ~

Celebrating

October 31, 2012 § 10 Comments

Champagne and a good future. Yes, I’m vague, but I’m being discreet.

Bad life ending.
Good life starting.

Woohoo!

(Yes, I’m a big spender and bought screw top Piccolo. I’m on a budget. Still, woohoo!)

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Private – Grief

October 24, 2012 § 13 Comments

Two years ago on this date, I had exploratory surgery for cancer. Four hours in surgery and three in recovery. They told me that among other things, my cervix was ruined and my uterus would never hold a child.

When you wake up from surgery you never know what they will tell you. You can’t ever know how your heart will break and never heal. I know that there are people waking up in a hospital right now that are being told that their family is all dead, or their legs were removed. And you just have to deal with it.

I have to pretend it never happened because there is a constant scream in my head. I can hear it and it has the power to drown me. A siren call for my ears alone. I grieve.

Sighs of Rain

October 15, 2012 § 2 Comments

The caffeine wore off. I don’t remember ever having a caffeine high before. Well, now I know that it makes me chatty. This statement is for those who wondered what substance I was on, on Thursday into Friday.

I’ve stayed outside all day today. Breathing in fresh air, mist and health into my hurt heart. It has been raining solidly for two days. Rain is a soundtrack of joy and exuberance to me. To one side, I have a huge, huge roof and the water rolls off of it in sheets, sighs and scurries. To the other side is a large tarp covering a pile of wood for the winter. The rain hits it in hundreds of pricks to gentle rolling roars. It gives me the sensation that it is a huge waterfall and that is a very powerful feeling.

When I carried kitty out to the porch, a stunning visual of car headlights beamed through the trees and fog. The car was following a curve in the road, and the unique motion it gave to the shadows and shafts of light as it was filtered through wafts of mist was breathtaking.

I don’t really know what friendship is. Back when I was in religion and in a huge community, I was taken advantage of. I gave energy, money and pure trust. I am doing the same with my mom, but the trust…I’m not in a good place with my heart. Reader, I am over thirty and have never lived. When will it be my turn? Yes, the simple answer is that I toss my mom to the side and live my life. But, how does friendship fit in there? I want to be a good friend. I don’t want to give up because it is hard. I don’t want to essentially reject someone who is deeply depressed. To me, that veers into the territory of becoming a monster.

I want to live my life, but I don’t want to hate myself from the process. I don’t want to be a person who will do anything to get ahead and doesn’t care who they stamp on. But I only get this life, no other. I won’t be rewarded by “Christian” good behavior. The Christian behavior where the daughter is to give everything to the family and then she will be loved. That love “cheque” got lost in the mail, I think.

Personal integrity was the largest motivation I had. It was the yardstick to decide what actions were the wisest. I would have said that my personal integrity was impeccable, fearless, tireless. But…it was Christian based. And as a shiny new Atheist, what are my ethics now? What are the Atheist responsibilities of one person to another, of a daughter to a mother? I don’t know.

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Lovely Morning

October 11, 2012 § 12 Comments

It is foggy here today. I love it. It is

….romantic mist,
….foggy, yet to be possibilities,
….a blurred out past.

The fog here, is so bright! It is like how a field of snow reflects the light. Here, the light is reflected by the fog. It is raining, but so finely that the drops never seem to fall, just nestle next to you.

I am on my porch – yes in a rocker – with my bamboo, roses, and scented flowering nicotiana. I am hand feeding my cat on my lap, because he is in a kitten mood right now. Salsa music is on, wind chimes are sounding softly and birds and frogs are chattering close up and in the distance like mad.

Oh, and I have a cup of coffee made from actual beans and not instant decaf. Panic attacks and caffeine clash terribly with each other. I have had coffee this year, cautiously, a few times. I am so confident that I am doing okay, that I invested in a bag of beans. Yep, I threw caution to the wind and bought coffee.

Oh, another thing. Mom and I were ( a hummingbird just came by two and a half feet from my head and scolded the heck out of me. I have been put in my place.) – invited to an early Thanksgiving dinner. We went! I am so bold! This was my very first Thanksgiving and my first time clinking glasses in a toast. I have no past with this group, so I wasn’t given child care duties or put in the kitchen. I was treated like an adult in company, for the first time. It wasn’t my goal, I didn’t even realize it was a problem.

Oh, I want to share this, because I am so proud of her: yesterday my mom killed a slug that was bigger than any internet penis I have ever seen. Seriously. Width, length, slime factor, tentacles, antlers, antennas, um, wobbly bits….

Okay, I’m talked out. It is a beautiful morning, and I am privileged to see it. This was a nice visit with you, Reader.

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Private – Lately

September 28, 2012 § 8 Comments

 

I have been mostly absent from the Internet for a month or so. I learnt things about myself from myself and from others, and it sent me into a bit of a tail spin.

I was given the opportunity to leave my living arrangements with my Mom. I turned the opportunity down, and it changed how I view myself. I was, and still am deeply disappointed in myself. It is an opportunity that I wanted, yet I couldn’t follow through. Cue me pouring hate on myself. Why would not I move on? Is it love? Martyrdom? Plain fear? Or am I so formed by being the modest, compassionate daughter, I have no bones of my own to hold myself up? So that has been the last while.

However – ! Mom, has been doing well, and I am newly encouraged. She has been saying things such as, that she sees I am struggling severely. That I am taking care of her, and that she sees it. That she feels focussed to change. Her behavior is less depressed. I am cautiously optimistic.

Oooo, and get this! I had my first driving lesson in a parking lot. I wasn’t allowed to with my father. But because my Mom has been so depressed, I hadn’t had an opportunity yet to learn.

I need this change in her so badly. She has been like a suffering animal, I couldn’t leave her behind. But I live Groundhog Day, via a depressed person’s needs. Years worth of it and this life kills me.

Okay, so she is doing better right now. Specifically the last ten days. Why? …I put the parental lock on the computer. She gets three hours a day, and then she has to ask me for more. It isn’t a power trip on my part, it is that she escapes with the computer. She is responding well, which is something I did not expect. I am always trying to figure out how to change things. The bottom line is, of course, I need to leave. That is the only real change possible. Yet, I cannot make myself believe that life will be better living on my own. So, readers, if you were not aware, all of this is the definition of a dysfunctional relationship. How novel.

I have made change. The last time I was in hospital, my fellow patients asked for a Social Worker to visit me, and we all had an intervention with me in our hospital room. I called a Woman’s Shelter to ask for a room for when I could leave the hospital. The problem then, was my father, that wanted me dead. My Mom promised she would go with me, only, she needed some time. So, I called the shelter and let them know I wouldn’t be coming. Seven months later, I was thrilled to call them again and my Mom and I left the house.

It is harder to leave than it seems to be, on the outside. When Mom left, she was also leaving her marriage and her employment. We also left the religion that we had both been born into. Leaving a abusive husband will get you shunned by the entire religious community. Everyone complies with the shunning out of fear of being shunned in turn. No one will agree to any contact with you. Not siblings, not any family. No one. No friend will greet you again. Shunning is an immediate death in the community’s eyes. You are a infectious ghost.

The women in the hospital have always been wonderful. They were in pain, or throwing up, etc., yet, they had such an overflow of kindness to give. Talking with them, helped me see how strange, wrong and cruel my life had been. It was when I told them that when I went home, I wouldn’t be allowed outside. That my father told me that it would dishonor the family for me to me seen outside. For, if I could be outside, it should only be in service of the Lord. Because of his edict, I would go out at night, under darkness to stretch my legs and breath fresh air. I did that once a month or less for years.

The new place I am in, I am outside everyday. It is stunning to me to be able to be outside. To *live* outside. I was looking at clouds above me today, and I swear I had a brain orgasm.

I hate that I can’t get my pound of flesh from my father or from shoddy religion I was in. But what I know is that I am relatively unscathed. I am physically mostly whole, and I am so thankful for that.

I talked to my Doctor a month ago. He said that he just gave a presentation on me at a General Practitioner’s conference in our largest city. It was on ethics and religion. He was in true shock when I told him that I am an Atheist now. He talked to me about that earliest case of mine, the first scare ten plus years ago. He hadn’t ever spoken of it to me before. He told me that when I was moved from the ICU, it was to make me more comfortable before my death. That friends and family would have more access to me. I could have a vigil around the clock.

But, Reader, get this! I didn’t know. I thought the move meant that the Doctors were certain I was getting better and I was fully out of danger. So, I didn’t know any better, and I bounced back.

One of the things I remember now, was that there was no weeping or true concern by my father, siblings and the rest of the religionists. They felt it was all God’s will, and what will be will be. No big deal. I would die if God willed and who was anyone to disagree with God? It makes me so angry now. I was so innocent, and no one cared. I, was in a spiritual high and couldn’t touch the ground. I truly didn’t see the difference between life and death. God was with me in life. He’d be with me in death. A full out nothingness of real death was a concept I, and everyone else in the cult, didn’t know. That actually did help though. Because I was in a spiritual high, because I had no understanding of death, I wasn’t overly concerned. I was upset, but not afraid.

I have left religion, and I am left with reality which is so difficult to take sometimes. But to deal with reality and not dreams is an outstanding feeling.

My cat cuddled with me today, wrapped in my trusty pashmina while I was cuddled in my hammock. There are dragonflies that are audacious teasers, and inch and a half long frogs that stalk me, and make me move, so that they can sit where I was. I saw quail, deer and horses today. I saw a white cat swishing it’s tail beside a huge moon. I saved a dragonfly caught in a spider’s web. I’ve saved me, too.

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I took this picture this week.

 

Silly

September 7, 2012 § 5 Comments

I just realized that during the times I was in hospital facing death, my sister invited her friends to come and visit her. They stayed in my bed. My sister invited her company over because my bed was free. And the first time I was in the ICU, a few days later, she went on vacation to Mexico.

I was slightly aware of all this when I was in the hospital, but I loved her so much I didn’t *see* it. I just loved her, I didn’t see the cruelty or the disdain.

When I loved, I felt no hurt,
no injury by your hand.

When I loved, you did no wrong,
all your words were truth.

When I loved, I loved you,
I didn’t choose the parts.

When I loved, you were all that I saw,
and all that I knew.

When I love now,
it won’t be you.

You will never see my heart again.

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